Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Unfounded Feelings?

Unfounded Feelings?
Lately I have been struggeling with many feelings. Unhappily to say, many of them have been negative. Has a lack of sleep played largely in to these thoughts? MOST DEFINITELY!! However, should I play into these thoughts? NO!
You see, I am the sort of person that likes everything just so. Regardless of the fact that I am only 4 weeks post partum, newly mothering not just one child, but two; as well as trying to be a good wife and housekeeper. Did I say just "good"? Oh! I meant perfect! At least that seems to be the standard I am setting for myself. This past Friday and Sabbath were really tough days for me. I wanted to have things all prepared for Sabbath. I wanted Mike to come home to a perfectly clean home, supper prepared as well as a tasty Sabbath meal, I wanted him to come home to two happy and content children and a smiling, beautiful wife. Instead, he arrived home to a sinkful of dirty dishes, a moody and tired little girl who was well ready for her nap, a toy strewn living room, and a wife who was ready to tell all her frusterations-with tears intermingeled-to, I must say, a VERY understanding husband.
Friday night I got 5 hours of sleep. It was just one of those nights with a baby that sometimes happen. So, needless to say, I was exhausted even more by the time Sabbath morning rolled around. And, since it was Communion Sabbath and, since Mike is head Deacon, we had to arrive at church extra early. Talk about the stress! Our 2nd Sabbath back to church and we have to be there early. LOL! We made it. :) Everything went well until church time rolled around. Mike had to get everything prepared for the communion service and I was on my own. I had to feed Nathan, and then try to gather our things and head for the Sanctuary. We got there and sat down, but not for long. Hannah began acting up terribly. And it was during prayer. (of course, right??) I was so embarressed. And then Nathan began fussing too! Now I had two crying children and a child crying over and over for her Drink. Of course I couldn't find it and she got frusterated and threw her diaper bag onto the floor. I was desperately trying to get out of the Sanctuary! Suddenly I heard the kind voice of our Pastor's wife offering to take Nathan for me. That's when I broke down. I rushed out of the church, dragging little Hannah along, crying my eyes out. Why couldn't things go more smoothly?! And why on earth did I have to go and start crying! Now I knew that I'd probably be crying at the drop of a pin for the rest of the day. LOL! You know how it is, you cry once, you cry much easier again and again. ha! I was in for it! I felt like a complete failure. I should be able to handle two children, no problem, Shouldn't I???? I am still asking myself this question. And, most of the time, I can. But I guess it's extra difficult in church by myself. I don't know, but I do know one thing, I had many wonderful and caring older women come up to me after the service offering their assistance with "my babies" during church time. Somehow this just seems like a beautiful example of the Titus 2 message where the older women lead and help the younger ones. Is it ok to accept this help? Would I be a fool not to accept their help? Or would I be a failure as a mother?
Am I a failure when I need help getting everything done around the house? Or am I just a human being who has to admit that she can't be a super human and have everything perfect at all times?
I had a fun moment just this morning as a matter of a fact. I told Hannah that we could go outside for a bit before lunch. I got her shoes on, picked up Nathan and headed for the door. That's when I felt something terribly slimy and gooey. I looked down and realized that Nathan's diaper was oozing a lovely orange "goo" all down my shirt and down him as well. I took him to the sink and "hosed" him off. Then to the bedroom to change him and myself. Hannah followed in hot pursuit, not watching where she was going she banged her head into a cabinet along the way. I laid Nate down and ran for some ice. Then back to the task at hand. It's a real juggeling operation, this being a mom of 2. :) Yeah, in retrospect, I suppose we moms need all the help we can get. So, if you're ever in the area, stop on in. I'll probably have a big spill for you to wipe up, or a diaper for you to change, a sinkful of dirty dishes, or wilted flowers that need to be watered... The list never ends. :)
A happy day to all of you, and those of you who are still in newly wedded bliss-enjoy your moments alone with your hubby, because there may come a day when you won't have too many of those nice enjoyable moments together.


  1. WOW -- I will look forward to these days of two children! Seems kinda tough, especially for the first couple weeks. You're doing a good job and you'll feel more confident as the weeks go by. :) Take all the help you can get -- doesn't mean you're a bad mommy. It takes a village...

  2. Boy, do I remember those days! I felt like it was no use going to church at all, since I never seemed to get a thing out of the service and spent half the time back in the mother's room or bathroom. But they did learn and things did change. : )

  3. I love your blog, Sarah. You are a very good writer. You draw me in to your reality. I appreciate your bold honesty. I wish I had a blog back when you were young, I think that it would have helped me vent a lot of frustrations!
    What a blessing to have help! I longed for that. Many times I left in tears, trying to be perfect and failing! Feeling sooo embarassed.
    What I learned is that when we go through those things, we can now relate to others, and we can be better mentors and sympathizers.
    You are a great mommy!
    Yes, sleep puts everything into perspective. Snore!

  4. I understand your frustrations at church..it can happen with only one. I will just have to wait and see what December brings into my busy church life.